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Since today is my birthday, I thought I would share with you some observations I’ve culled from my years on the earth. These musings will cover everything from practical advice to information about me, so read them with care (and with tongue firmly planted in cheek).
I’ve tried to begin with the earliest lessons I learned and progress to my more recent discoveries:
- Don’t jab sticks into holes in the ground. That’s where yellow-jackets live.
- Razor blades will cut you.
- It is not necessary to test every theory with a practice; therefore, when your grandmother tells you not to poke a stick in a hole, listen to her. Likewise, when your father informs you that razor blades are sharp, it’s possible he knows what he’s talking about. Mother, on the other hand, uses rampant scare tactics that generally result in some form of blindness. Test all of mother’s theories.
- When I was twelve-years-old, I wanted to marry Bruce Lee.
- Peter O’Toole is my all-time favorite actor. Ever.
- My favorite movie is Dangerous Liaisons.
- My favorite character in Dangerous Liaisons is the Marquise de Mertuil.
- My favorite novel is The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco.
- I am not as intelligent as I would like to think I am. Frankly, since those Aerosmith concerts back in the early eighties, I’m lucky to to have the math skills required to balance my checkbook – pre-calculus is simply asking too much from my ruptured brain.
- Not every trend is designed for me. Therefore, I will not be acquiring multiple facial piercings and tattoos. If I do what the rest of the world is doing, then I am not expressing my individuality, rather I am another brainless sheep following the herd.
- At one point in my misbegotten youth, I hung around the kind of people who wore tattoos. They had acquired these tattoos while serving time in prison or the military. Don’t expect me to take you seriously if you have a tattoo of Yosemite Sam on your bicep.
- dont send me an email likethis and expect me to treat u like u r a intelligent person especially when you dont use punctuation or capital letters i will assume u r 12 yo or & i will talk down to u
- Arcane Chinese characters tattooed across your body don’t impress me, either.
- Young men who wear baggy pants and hold them up with one hand look girly. I don’t care what kind of profanities spew from your mouth, you look like a girl. Grow some self-esteem and quit showing me your boxer shorts. If I want to see a strange man’s bare butt, I’ll pay money to see Chippendales.
- Basketball players should start wearing shorts again. Those things that come to your knees are NOT shorts. They’re skirts. Not everything from the seventies was bad.
- Men like to look at beautiful women. That’s healthy and normal. Women like to look at beautiful men. I like eye-candy too. My favorite is men . . . in leather . . . on motorcycles. Otherwise, I’m not picky.
- Eye-candy should be treated with the same reverence as a poisonous snake – look but don’t touch.
- Forty-year-old women who go to Twilight movies and lose their minds over dewy-eyed twenty-somethings have issues I can’t even begin to address here. I’m not sure what they really need, but I would suggest a man . . . in leather . . . on a motorcycle.
- “Lead with love” looks great on paper but is a damn sight harder to practice in real life; however, the rewards of success are immeasurable.
And finally, since it is my birthday, I get to make a wish and it is simply this:
May the God of your understanding bless and keep you; may your heart always be full and your successes many.